*Disclaimer: This is the final installment of the Potty Mouth series, so if curse words continue to offend you, please do not read this blog posting. In fact run, run fast, run far, there is still time to save yourself. If your still under 18, where are your parents? And, do they know what your reading online? If you answer “hell no!” Then, well I don’t know what to say… I’m in shock!
As so many random thoughts I write about get started, my husband and I were talking. We were
drinking wine and laughing discussing how people create all sorts of faux profanity. Often it’s a kid related reaction, because none of us seem to want to be the person who taught a two year old to drop an F-bomb on grandma, or in public, or anywhere at all. It’s sort of not cute to see a two to twelve year old sounding like big potty mouths. It’s probably not cute when their 45 either, but good luck with that one. Children and religious grandma’s have probably accounted for some very creative faux cursing. Some are uninspired and boring like fudge, or dang it, or shuuuuger! These lack any creativity at all. Some more creative cursing with kids might sound like Bloomin Ell, Fiddle Stix, or Fluffy Ducks, I don’t think “crap” or “fart” are real curse words, so I tend toward “Freaking numb nuts! Bloody ell, crap or, Fiddle Fart!” when children are involved. But, what about when you have no children, or their grown, and you are all on your own and feel the need to let’er rip?
My husband said that his dad looked at him one day, when he, my husband, was laying down some non-curse word, curse word, and said, “you need to commit” it’s sort of like the Yoda Quote, “Do or do not, there is no try”. Michael said it was probably the best advise his dad gave him, because that philosophy is true of life in general. So, if you’re going to be a potty mouth, and you recognize that there will be times when you need the medical benefits of an expletive, then let’s discuss being creative about it. This leads us back to Debra Morgan, from Dexter.
My friend Mindy just had a baby, I think Debs response to learning Dexter was having a baby with Rita was priceless.
Deb: (excitedly) A baby? a motherfucking rolly-poly, chubby cheeked shit machine? Are you kidding me?
Dexter: I’ve never heard it described in quite those words before, but yeah.
Mindy told me if I had said that, she would have burst out laughing. In hind site, I wish I had, but I’m not sure I would have been able to pull it off as well as Deb, because I would have been,
snorting through my nose hiccuping, laughing as I said it.
Or, if something is so good you can’t control your overwhelming happiness…
Deb: Sweet Mary mother of fuck that’s good.
Dexter: I think you might have broken a commandment somewhere in there.
It’s funny how it isn’t funny when a little kid swears, but it can be really funny when some people swear, like your mom or grandma, it’s the surprise of the unexpected. If you look like your a little uptight, but then you loosen up and say, “Crap on a fucking cupcake!!” People often laugh. It’s the unexpected, the novelty that makes it work. Also, crap on a cupcake is a personal favorite of mine, because it is a great juxtapositioning of things that don’t belong together, and it reminds me of a girl I knew in college. She was that person who was so superficially nice, but she would trample all over you if she felt the need. She was the “non friend friend” that tries to steals your boyfriend, or tries for your job, or basically makes a game of trying to
fuck with you make you feel less than. I used to say, “I’m just a little cupcake… Baked by the devil,” (you need to use the sweet voice for the first part, and the demon voice for the second part to really get the whole effect) This was/is what I say whenever I tried to explain how I felt about her people like her. So crap on a cupcake just makes me laugh it sort of sums up how tied together the good and bad can be. Being creative means coming up with profanity that isn’t common, I personally love, “Asshat,” it’s so descriptive, and what it describes is funny, to me at least. I also love “cluster fuck,” it really makes me laugh, because what the hell! A cluster of fuckers, or maybe a cluster of fuckers fucking, who knows, but it’s funny. If you ever watched the show Tombstone, you might never wonder again how cocksucker can be worked into every situation and probably helped win the west. Using words from other places is a good way to A. Be creative and B. Get away with cursing in public or work situation without a lot of blow back. For instance “shag it all” or “sod off,” both roughly translate into fuck it all and fuck you, but sound cool and British. I used to say, “Things get shagged up…” The list goes on, Bloody Sodding Hell, people know your mad, but they’re probably not too offended by the content. Bollocks, is a great, holy shit I’m surprised or annoyed, word. And, there is a long list of others UK options to choose from. The chicks at Chick, came up with a list of the 100 best curse words of all time, making a short video about it. I’m not sure I agree 100% on all the best swears, and they are very American, but Holy Buggering Fucksville! it’s a funny video Batgirl/boy! I learned a few new words, such as Bumblefuck, Thundercunt, and Craptastic, I’m not sure when I’ll use them, but now they’re locked and loaded for the perfect moment. The Chicks also recommend changing things up and using words in unexpected ways. And, that’s what I call creative.
I hope as you’ve read this post something will become clear, I don’t call other people curse names, I don’t say “you fucking asshat!” etc. I don’t think that’s really helpful to situations or people. I might think it in my head on occasion, often about something I’ve just done, such as, “I am such an Asshat!” But, in my marriage, friendships, and general passing folks on the street, I don’t curse at them. It’s no way to either start a real conversation, or ignore and move on. If you engage with calling people names, most people will engage back, so now we’re in a power struggle… For creative genius? I don’t think so. I also don’t really find cursing a means for projecting strength or being respected by others. I don’t respect people more when the tell me I’m an a Fucking Asshat, do you? It’s just one of those things, I can call myself anything, you can’t.
To be honest, I subscribe to the idea of, ‘make life funny,’ and the same holds true for profanity. I believe that we need lots of tools in our toolboxes, and while I wouldn’t make cursing my only tool, anymore than I would recommend only having a hammer to build a house, it still belongs in the toolbox. Not only can it help to expel tension or communicate a strong feeling, it can also make us laugh and bind us together in other interesting and useful ways. Plus, my guess is, that while “Mama” may have been our first word, “Shit” was close behind.